Monday, November 21, 2011

Who I've Become

Wow, it's really been over a week since I posted.

Please forgive me. I just haven't felt like myself. Whoever that self is.

I feel like I am in some sort of limbo that I can't get out of. Between losing my job, all these health problems, sick kids and just life in general - I just feel like running away sometimes.

I know that is an awful thing to say but it's the truth. I have just been in this funk and haven't exactly known what to do with myself. I have questioned myself many times about exactly what is my purpose. Am I just a mother? Is that how I am defined? I feel like I have lost myself but I feel guilty for even thinking that.

My kids depend on me and I love being a mother but sometimes I just want to be called something else. I am sure I am not the only one who feels like this. I just have had a hard time dealing with this over the last week.

I just want to feel like myself again - whoever that may be. I'm just not sure who myself really is anymore. I am tired of being an anxiety ridden mother/wife who feels like she has no purpose but to wait on kids and a husband 24/7.

Sorry for the rant but I feel much better now that I have put it all into words. That really helps sometimes. So, back to trying into my groove and not feeling like I am in such a funk!

Flock Together

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Impossible To Get Along With!

Let me be honest. I have been hell to live with these last couple of days. I have been bitchy and well just plain out mean.

Let me take you back to Thursday. I told you earlier this week how my hair has been falling out and I had blood work to find out what the problem is. Thursday I got those results back. Turns out I have a hormonal imbalance and hypothyroidism. So, now I am on a slew of drugs and I feel worse than I did before.

I feel like my hormones are really out of wack now that I started taking the medicine. I am a basket case. I don't know why but I handled the hormonal thing okay. I mean I am taking it that I will get those regulated and I can then stop the medicine. The thyroid issue really bothers me. I know that the medicine for it is a lifelong thing now. That bothers me. It has had me upset. And I hate to tell my hubby this because it is just plain silly. I mean it could be a lot worse.

So, instead of these meds making me feel better - so far they have made me feel worse. Is there an end in sight? I sure hope so cause its pretty bad when you know you are bitchy but you can't seem to control it!

The Not-So-Secret Confessions of a First Time Mom


Saturday, November 12, 2011

Google+ For Your Blog?

Google+ finally released the option to create an account for your business or brand. I was anxiously awaiting this release and was happy when it finally happened. Don't ask me why! I just like new things I guess.

So how many of you created a Google+ for your blog? Do you think it will help your blog or do nothing at all?

I still don't have many followers on my Google+ for my blog but I am sure that will change as the time goes and it becomes more popular.

If you have a Google+ add it below! I love finding new circles on Google+!! Be sure to add mine too!

Thursday, November 10, 2011


It's Friday! YAY!!

I am linking up with Mama M. for 5 Question Friday. So here we go:

1. What's the last thing you too much money on?
That would have to be my iPad! I love my iPad but I could have lived without it except I needed it for school. Not only was the iPad too much but so are all of the Apps that I download all the time!! Those $.99 Apps add up fast!

2. What celeb chef would you want to make you dinner?
Well I don't really watch cooking shows and I probably couldn't name you one celebrity chef. Spongebob consumes my TV! I don't need a celeb chef to make me dinner - I would be happy with a dinner out with my husband without any kids tagging along!

3. Where do you hide things when visitors pop over or do you let them see the real deal?
Most of the time I show the real deal. Sometimes I stuff things in my little office and usually never bring them back out. That might be why my office is overflowing with junk!

4. Who is your oldest living family member?
That would be my Grandma. I won't reveal her age but she is way past retirement but she still works every day. I can only hope I have that much energy at her age.

5. What is you favorite DQ tree and/or Sonic drink combo (i.e.: cherry vanilla dr. pepper)?
Well unfortunately we don't have a DQ or Sonic near me. I'm not even sure where the nearest one is?? So I can't really give you a fave!

There are my 5 answered questions! You can link up too by clicking here!

Be sure to check out my other post here and link up your blog. I may be your newest follower!

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Wednesday, November 9, 2011

It's Just Hair....

Back in the Summer I went to my doctor for headaches and to get some help with weight loss. After evaluating me she decided to put me on Topamax which would help in both areas.

It worked great! My headaches went away and I lost a lot of my weight. I was overjoyed to be finally getting back on track.

Fast forward - About 6 weeks ago I noticed I was losing a lot more hair than usual. I mean I don't think you are suppose to clog the drain in the tub everyday. When I pulled my hair back I really noticed it because I didn't have much of a ponytail.

After researching Topamax, I found that others were losing hair on the drug. So, I quit taking it about 5 weeks ago thinking that would stop my hair from falling out. As of todayI am still losing just as much hair as I was 5 weeks ago.

I headed up to the doctor on Monday and was told it had nothing to with the Topamax. (I'm not so sure) She gave me a list of things it could be and decided to run A LOT of tests. So, now I get to play the waiting game until they call me with the results. I am really hoping this is something fixable.

Has anybody else had this experience?

Be sure to check out my other post here and link up your blog. I may be your newest follower!

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Monday, November 7, 2011

When It Rains, It Pours

On Sunday I mentioned how my little online job had cut my hours back, well today I got word that they let me go. So, now I won't even be getting a little money - I will be getting nothing. Very depressing. I'm not sure what I will do now. I have been unsuccessful at finding anything new.

So, my whole mood is totally down and I don't know where to begin. I feel like my depression is getting the best of me today. I am totally unmotivated and find myself just sitting on the couch watching Sponge Bob with the kids.

I miss my husband. I want him home more than ever. These are the days I really wish he was home. I know he will be home on Wednesday evening but it seems like an eternity away.

Yes, this such a blah post but it's exactly how I feel. I need to pick myself up and move forward but it's hard when you don't know what the future holds.

Be sure to check out my other post here and link up your blog. I may be your newest follower!

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Sunday, November 6, 2011

Twins and Nap Time

Hello We transitioned to toddler beds about 4 weeks ago , shortly after the twins turned two years old. They were climbing out of their cribs and we figured it be safer to go ahead and put them in toddler beds before they fell and hurt themselves. I thought at this point we would be at a point when they actually were use to the beds and stayed in the beds. Unfortunately I was wrong.

I am still struggling on a daily basis to keep them in the beds when I lay them down for a nap. My son would easily stay there and take a nap. My daughter on the other hand feels the need to get up and get into everything that is not bolted down.

Now, what I don't get is that my husband (on the days he is home) can go in there only once and fuss at them and they will listen and go right on to sleep without getting up 10-15 times. It is very frustrating because I do the exact same thing he does. Trust me I have studied how he handles it! Obviously the male voice has an affect on them.

At first I was going into their room a good 10-15 times before they finally went to sleep. There were days that the nap just didn't happen. As the weeks have gone by, the amount of times I need to go in there and fuss at them has gotten less but we are still working really hard on not having to in and fuss at them numerous times.

What have I learned? I need to go in immediately when they get up. If they are given time to run around, they are more likely to end up and do it again. When I go in as soon as their feet hit the ground, they know I mean business. My advice - patience and lots of it. I know we will get past this but it just takes time. I just need to be consistent.

Be sure to check out my other post here and link up your blog. I may be your newest follower!


The Not-So-Secret Confessions of a First Time Mom

No Regrets

Twelve years ago (almost 13), I was a young and foolish 19 year old. I thought I knew everything and tried to do everything just to piss my mother off.

I stayed out late and when my mom told me I had to quit and come home on time - I moved out. I moved in with my grandmother who let me go and come as I pleased. She thought I could do no wrong, so she believed me when I said I was doing nothing wrong.

I ran with the wrong crowd and made sure I did everything that I wasn't suppose to do. I dated the wrong guys because it was "cool". Soon I found myself pregnant by a guy that I was scared of. He made threats to me and wouldn't let me leave the house sometimes. I felt like a prisoner. One day I had enough and left him.

I ran back home to my mom and she accepted me with open arms. It didn't matter that I had been a pain for the last 6 months or that I had went and got pregnant. She accepted me for who I was and forgave me.

Eight months after moving back to my moms - I brought home the most adorable baby boy. I was scared and nervous and had no clue what I was doing. My mom helped me and showed me what to do.

My life was never the same from that point forward. My life was no longer about me. It was about him. If I could go back and change things - I wouldn't. I have no regrets. That little baby changed my life and I wouldn't change a thing.

Be sure to check out my other post here and link up your blog. I may be your newest follower!

SOCS: What An Uneventful Weekend

What an uneventful weekend! We spent Saturday morning at my oldest sons football game. It's playoffs and they actually won! So next Saturday we will spend our morning at his championship game.

Saturday afternoon was spent surfing the net trying to find another job. I don't technically "work" but I do have a little job I do from home that brings in a decent amount of money. Unfortunately they cut everyone back on Friday and its not going to be enough money to support what I need. So, its back to the job search again. I am back to searching for writing positions and trying to remember who hires writers. I am having a major memory block!! But I need to find some places fast cause we need that money!

Saturday evening we went to a demolition derby at our fair grounds. It was COLD! I was so glad when it was over.

Today it was right back to job hunting again without much luck so far. I am hoping this is going to turn around. And did I mention this day has just dragged by?? With the time change it seems like this day will never end!

Soon, it is off to fix dinner and not long after that its bed time! That means quiet time for Mommy! I can hardly wait!


Be sure to check out my other post here and link up your blog. I may be your newest follower!

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

I Remember It Like It Was Yesterday....

The holidays are right around the corner and I am no where near ready to face them.

Take me back 3 years ago and I would be bursting at the seems ready for them to arrive! Two years ago in December that all changed.

My grandmother has always been one of my closest and dearest friends. She was like another parent considering my father wasn't much of a parent.

I talked to her almost daily about absolutely nothing but it completed me.

I became pregnant with the twin in 2009 and had them in September of 2009. I was not a very likable person to be around. It was a hard painful pregnancy and then once they arrived IT WAS HARD. During all of this my grandmothers health became increasingly worse even though we weren't quite sure what was wrong. I was quite nasty to her more than once. I know she overlooked it but it is something that is imprinted in my mind.

I didn't talk to her as much and when I did I was really grouchy. I said some things I never should have said.

The first week of December 2009, my aunt called and said something was wrong with Grandma and she was calling the rescue squad. I remember rushing up to her house. I had tried to call her earlier that day and never reached her.

When I got there, I wasn't prepared. She was having a stroke. They flew her by helicopter to a better hospital. I spent the whole night over there waiting for her to wake up and talk to me but she never did. She never really woke back up. I never got to carry on a conversation with her again. On December 26, 2009 she left us to be with the angels.

Christmas has never been the same. Yes, this will only be the 3rd one since she left us but it feels just like yesterday.

A part of me is missing and I still find myself picking up the phone to call her only to remember they don't have phones where she is. I came to the realization that she is what held me and my father together. No, it wasn't much but it was something. When I lost her, I lost a whole family. I felt like an outsider without her there making me feel like part of the family. It is something that I have had a hard time facing. She sugarcoated a lot for my father. All along it was her pushing and making it seem as if he wanted to be there. BUT that is a whole other post all in itself.

These last two years have been hard and they still are. It sucks becoming an adult. I grew up the day she died. Yes, technically I was an adult with 5 children but when she died everything came into a different view. I will never be the same.

When you look back at your life, there are moments that stand out. This is a moment that stands out. It changed my life and is continuing to change my life. I want the changes to stop but I know they never will.


Obviously MARvelous


Okay, ladies -- is it just me or do I just not get Twitter?? At first I thought it was a social site and now am I thinking it is more of a place to promote your blog/business.

Yes, it's true-- I'm dying over here from lack of adult conversation since the hubby is training for his new job.

Yes, I have been on Twitter for a few years now and I thought most recently that it would be a great place to meet other moms like me. God knows I could use a friend or two since I am lacking in that department!

As of yet though, I have only had like 2 or 3 responses to any of my tweets. So, what am I doing wrong or do I just not get the concept of Twitter?

You always here everyone say how they met these great ladies online and have built these long lasting friendships. Well, share your secret and explain the whole concept of Twitter!

I feel like I am having a blonde moment over here!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

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Monday, October 31, 2011

The Truth Is....

Truth is... I'm not always a great wife. I let my house get dirty and I don't fix supper every night.

Truth is... I'm not always the best mother. I spend way too much time on the internet instead of spending more time with my kids.

Truth is... I'm not always the greatest friend. I find that I keep to myself rather than reaching out.

Truth is... I'm not always the best student. I put things off till the last minute.

Truth is... Nobody is perfect.

Truth is... That is a fact I really need to learn to accept.

This post is in response to Monday's Link Up over at Just.Be.Enough. You can link up too!

Be sure to check out my other post here and link up your blog. I may be your newest follower!

What Makes A Good Blog??

I think about this often. I mean what really makes a good blog?? Is it how many times you post a day/week? Is it how many followers you have or how many comments you get? Or is it the content of your posts and truly being yourself?

I would probably go with the last one. I love finding new blogs to read and I love ones that are down to earth and really honest! You can see the bloggers true self and their blog is not filled with reviews of everything under the sun. Yes, I understand some reviews are okay but I don't like reading about one every other post. That's just me. I like to read about other moms like me and know that I am not crazy and this stuff really happens to other people.

I have been blogging for a couple years now and while this blog is new it is not my first. My other blog was followed by many people that I face every day in my small town and by family. While that is all okay, it did not give me the freedom to truly express myself and say what I wanted. I feel I have more freedom to write freely without being judged by those around me. That may sound silly but it works for me.

I'm not going to lie - I had a rough summer and not one that I ever want to repeat. It was life changing for me on many different levels. There were so many times when I wanted to express the way I felt but did not want those around me gossiping about my life. Yes, I understand that it is a blog and it is public but at least I am a little more anonymous with this one.

I have struggled with depression and anxiety and the fact that I truly do not have any close girlfriends to talk to about stuff when I just want to vent or simply share my life and compare the craziness. I have never been good at making friends so I just keep to myself and my family most of the time. That doesn't mean I don't want to make friends! I spend my days at home with my 2 year old twins while my other 3 children are at school. My husband is gone 3 nights a week until May and the only contact I have with the adult world is through my blog an Twitter.

Is my blog a good blog? Well, it's okay. Not the best but I'm working on it. I still feel myself holding back from time to time but I'm getting there. I have opinions, I have feelings and I have a voice. I just need to learn how to use it.

I am a major blog stalker!! I love reading and finding new blogs and other moms like me. So, if you have a blog that isn't filled with nothing but reviews(a few are okay) please link them below! I just may become your newest follower! :) I will add my link first. So be sure and follow me as well!


The Not-So-Secret Confessions of a First Time Mom

Sunday, October 30, 2011

SOCS: I Really Need Some Sleep

If you have been reading my blog this week, you have seen that this has been a week from hell. I definitely do not want another one like this any time soon!

Each day it seemed to be something new. Each day something happened to drag me a little further down. By the end of the week I felt like just giving up. Saturday was better and was pretty much uneventful. Yet, when I went to bed last night I found myself upset and crying myself to sleep. I have no clue as to why. Like I said it was a pretty good day. The only thing I can figure is the whole week just caught up to me.

I read into things way too much. Every action the hubby does I try to translate into what he really meant and usually I end up thinking the worse and worrying and then I end up upset. I'm pretty sure that is what happened last night when I went to bed. It was either that or my lack of sleep was finally catching up to me. Now that the hubby is gone 3 nights a week for his job training, I find that I cannot sleep. I end up staying up late and getting up way too early. I then find myself unbelievably tired during the day and get absolutely nothing done. I need to learn to deal with this. Deal with him being gone 3 nights a week. I mean I have until May to deal with this and I cannot continue like this.

And let me tell you what really gets under my skin. I have fought with the twins all week with naps. My husband puts them down for a nap on Saturday and only has to go back in once before they fall asleep. Today he lays them down and never has to go back in. They fall straight to sleep. So what am I doing wrong. I try to do exactly as he does and yet I fail every time. I just don't get it!

There was my Stream of Consciousness Sunday. Hope you enjoyed. Have a great Sunday!


Be sure to check out my other post here and link up your blog. I may be your newest follower!

Saturday, October 29, 2011

I Feel Defeated....

Have you ever just had one of those days or in my case one of those weeks? I guess yesterday was my breaking point.

Nothing major happened for once all week. It was just the fact that after 5 days in a row of fighting with the twins to take a nap, I felt like I couldn't control them. I felt like they were walking all over top of me. I know I went in their room a good 10-15 times and numerous spankings before i finally got them to stay in their beds. My hubby can go in there once and they listen. I just don't get it. I do the exact same thing he does, it just doesn't work for me! So, I was feeling like I couldn't control them and an awful parent because of it.

Before I attempted to lay the twins down, I got a phone call that one of my dogs was in doggie jail! So, I guess something major did happen. Everything is just a blur at this point. I didn't even know she (Zoey) had gone outside. My other dog (Wyott) was laying on the couch quietly and I assumed that Zoey was laying somewhere too. I was wrong. So that was just one more failure to add to the pile for the week.

My house is completely out of control. It is messy and I have let it get so far behind this week that it will take me forever to get it back in order.

It's just been a bad week and I am really hoping that it turns around today. I definitely don't want another week like this one!

Lots of Lovin' Weekend Blog Hop

Tots and Me

Tots and Me

Tots and Me

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Thursday, October 27, 2011

Friday Is Finally Here!

Thank goodness Friday has arrived. It has been one hectic week and I am so ready for it to be over.

I spent most of my day making Princess E a bunny doll. My grandmother use to make them all the time. When she passed away last year, I searched her house over looking for one of them. I only found one. Princess E found that one bunny doll in my room and fell in love with it. Now since she is only two, I decided I didn't really want her to have it yet. So, I decided to get some colorful fabric and make her one of her own.

We went on Wednesday to JoAnn's Fabrics to get the material. I could live in that store. All that material! I could spend hours in there and a small fortune. I never could understand why my grandmother had so much material and now I understand. Going to JoAnn's is like the best treat ever! It was nice to be able to go and just look around after the crappy week I've been having.

So, today I started  on making her bunny. I found a pattern online that was free and it turned out to be a pattern that did not have very good direction. I muddled through and the finish product was the cutest bunny ever! If I decide to make more I definitely will be finding another pattern!

Princess E fell in love with the bunny right away. She has carried it everywhere this evening!

Being able to sew and figure things out gives me such gratification. My late Grandmother taught me quite a few things and it makes me feel proud when I can actually use these skills. She was such an awesome woman and I could write a book on her. She was so crafty and when I am able to accomplish these things it makes me feel great! I always think, Maybe I am like her more than I realize.

I hope everyone has a GREAT Weekend. Now lets get this Friday started!

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I'm One Lucky Chic

You've heard that saying that goes something like - I wouldn't have any luck at all if I didn't have bad luck. Well that is how I feel this week.

We started off no nap for the twins on Monday. This made for a really long evening and one that I was ready to end.

On Tuesday my phone kicked the bucket and I head to go get a new one. Now I did get to get an iPhone but the twins once again did not get a nap! So number 2 really long evening.

On Wednesday my power steering went out in my van. I found out it was gone when I went to take the kids to school. That was not fun trying to maneuver the van around corners. I also had to go out of town and so we are up to number 3 day of naps. This made for the 3rd very long evening.

Now we are up to Thursday. While nothing has happened yet, I am still not out of the woods yet. I just woke up so I say give that luck a chance!

And what makes this all even worse is that my hubby is not here to make things better or the fact that I truly do not have any girl friends! I really need to find some online ones so I can vent or just share the day with!

I hope everyone else's week has gone so much better!

Obviously MARvelous


Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Is It Friday Yet??

It makes for a really long week when you have grouchy kids! And trust me it has been a really long week thus far! I am pretty sure the terrible two's have invaded my house! I have seen meltdowns, broken up fights and screaming for not getting their way. Yes, all of that was about the twins. The last two evenings I have spent counting down the time until they can go to bed.

And of course this is the time that my husband finally gets a decent job! I keeping telling everyone how it is hard with my hubby not being home but I totally forgot about what I am going through by dealing with all of this myself. It is exhausting and a lot of days it makes me want to go crawl in a corner and hide.

Did I mention my house is a disaster from my two little terrors? Yes, it is. Do I care? No. At this point I am just looking forward to getting through each day.

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Monday, October 24, 2011

Unaccounted For

We are in week two of my husbands training and I miss him more than ever! I am so accustomed to him being here, helping with the kids and being my support.

I know it could be a lot worse. People in the military are gone for longer periods of time and don't get to come home weekly or see their family. At least he is able to come on Wednesdays and the weekends. I am thankful for that.

But knowing it could be a lot worse still doesn't seem to make it any better. We have until May before this all ends! That seems like a life time away!

It is good that the kids keep me busy or else I think I would go nuts. And when I say busy I do mean busy! Thankfully soccer is over until next season. We still have a few more football games left and then basketball will be starting and don't forget to throw 4-H into the mix of all the sports. It never ends. I am thinking I need a taxi sign to go on the roof of my van.

The twins are also doing their fair share of keeping me busy. For the last week there have been no naps which is not a good thing. Princess E is the instigator. Prince E would go to sleep no problem but she feels the need to keep him up. So, by the time evening rolls around they are major grouches!! There is never ending stream of crying and fighting between them and it only makes me count down the hours until it is time for them to go to bed.

I just try to do the best I can and not let me emotions take over. I know in the long run this is going to be better for our family but it is the long road to have to travel to get there. I just miss my husband and will be glad when he is back home with us.

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