The holidays are right around the corner and I am no where near ready to face them.
Take me back 3 years ago and I would be bursting at the seems ready for them to arrive! Two years ago in December that all changed.
My grandmother has always been one of my closest and dearest friends. She was like another parent considering my father wasn't much of a parent.
I talked to her almost daily about absolutely nothing but it completed me.
I became pregnant with the twin in 2009 and had them in September of 2009. I was not a very likable person to be around. It was a hard painful pregnancy and then once they arrived IT WAS HARD. During all of this my grandmothers health became increasingly worse even though we weren't quite sure what was wrong. I was quite nasty to her more than once. I know she overlooked it but it is something that is imprinted in my mind.
I didn't talk to her as much and when I did I was really grouchy. I said some things I never should have said.
The first week of December 2009, my aunt called and said something was wrong with Grandma and she was calling the rescue squad. I remember rushing up to her house. I had tried to call her earlier that day and never reached her.
When I got there, I wasn't prepared. She was having a stroke. They flew her by helicopter to a better hospital. I spent the whole night over there waiting for her to wake up and talk to me but she never did. She never really woke back up. I never got to carry on a conversation with her again. On December 26, 2009 she left us to be with the angels.
Christmas has never been the same. Yes, this will only be the 3rd one since she left us but it feels just like yesterday.
A part of me is missing and I still find myself picking up the phone to call her only to remember they don't have phones where she is. I came to the realization that she is what held me and my father together. No, it wasn't much but it was something. When I lost her, I lost a whole family. I felt like an outsider without her there making me feel like part of the family. It is something that I have had a hard time facing. She sugarcoated a lot for my father. All along it was her pushing and making it seem as if he wanted to be there. BUT that is a whole other post all in itself.
These last two years have been hard and they still are. It sucks becoming an adult. I grew up the day she died. Yes, technically I was an adult with 5 children but when she died everything came into a different view. I will never be the same.
When you look back at your life, there are moments that stand out. This is a moment that stands out. It changed my life and is continuing to change my life. I want the changes to stop but I know they never will.
